“Dear Survivor”: A letter about the hard truths of healing from child abuse

Photo: Woman Holding A Sword Is About to Attack A Demon.

“Because then I knew it was over.”

Dear Survivor,

That’s what most strive to feel about the lingering effects of childhood abuse, although not about the actual events. Those are long gone, and often dissociated from awareness.

Rather, most want to end sleepless nights and startled awakenings; feeling as if they live in a parallel universe, outside the world inhabited by ‘normal’ people who lack histories of abuse; intrusive images, feelings, sounds, and smells; the desire to drink, smoke, toke, shoot up, sex to oblivion; the avoidance of intimacy because of a seemingly endless reserve of anxiety simmering below a brittle surface of civility; or fighting because the rage never seems to dissipate and you just want to push back, because the planet is not big enough to hold all your hurt, let alone the emotional needs of another person.

At the first inkling of the wish to heal, some try to barter with themselves as a way out of this paradoxical life of repetitive chaos. This often starts with a naïvely made promise with oneself to be good. This promise usually starts with the belief that by being good and trying really hard, one day life will finally, if not miraculously, turn out differently. This is not an easy promise to let go of; even when it’s obvious you are failing miserably at keeping it.

Even so, there will still be a part of you that keeps the promise. Why? Often because of the secretly held wish that if you finally get it ‘right’ the love that wasn’t there will materialize, or your savior will come and magically change everything (releasing you from both effort and responsibility), or the opportunity for revenge will become available, and there you have it: the transformative moment you have waited for has arrived.

This I can tell you is a colossal waste of time and the imagination. Even if the perfect love, the ideal savior, or the opportunity for the most humiliating payback becomes available, you will never become who you might have been had the abuse never happened, or get the time back that you have wasted waiting for your personal Godot.

You might think I am giving you that old song and dance about picking your ass up off the curb, brushing off the dust of trauma, stomping its dirt from your shoes, and manning up to life’s inevitable trials and tribulations. Not at all. Rather, I think childhood abuse is so life-threatening that it might as well be the antimatter to thriving and creativity, and vitality’s dark matter. But because I know what it takes to heal — mainly courage, love, and lots of time — I’d rather not see you waste yours.

I grew up in Texas, in the middle of the Bible belt. My early mind stewed in New Testament ideology. It was impressed upon me, with great fear I might add, to avoid sin at all costs. As children in an Episcopalian Day School, we learned to hold our breath when we did something wrong, to look around and make sure no one was watching, to produce the image of being good for the fear of reprisal, sanctions, and shaming. If your childhood was anything like mine, it’s no wonder that for many of us the effects of childhood abuse linger in our psyches like a bad case of Candida, and only the strictest diet of goodness gives hope of salvation. But the truth is: it wasn’t your fault, and no matter how good you were or become, it still would have happened. Start loving yourself now.

Sometimes it helps to acknowledge there are a few ghosts hovering about that interfere with overcoming the impact that child abuse has had on your life. Who are these ghosts? The person who hurt you. The one who didn’t love you. The savior who didn’t come. The bully you are still afraid of. We all fight battles in our heads that our bodies never could defend against. Some of these battles are our own, others we’ve inherited from our parents and our ancestors. Sometimes simply through the act of belonging to a group we inherit ghosts. Humans are pack animals. Our psyches are permeable and inseparable. Sorting out was is yours and what is theirs is a big part of the process.

You know trauma by what it does to you. And there is an entire story I can tell you (and often do tell) about how the body responds to fear, how the amygdala gets activated, how the frontal lobes shut down, and a lot of other stuff gets tripped off, which is all true and matters if you want to get your life back on track.

But what often lingers long after the traumatic stress dissipates, or becomes manageable, is the confrontation with good and evil that child abuse initiates. What do you do with the reality that people can be so damn mean and thoughtless, selfish and cruel? What do you do with the reality that as a result of being abused you too have acted in ways for which you are not so proud, and sometimes deeply ashamed? For it really isn’t until we can hold our own humanity in its widest sense, and acknowledge the potential for good and evil in all of us, do the effects of child abuse fully relinquish their hold. And when you can fully accept this realization, then you are also able to give yourself the unconditional love that is your birthright and you will know that, whatever happened, you managed to keep your soul.

© 2014 Laura K Kerr, PhD. All rights reserved (applies to writing and photography).

  • Deena Harbaugh

    Bravo! Thank you, Dr. Kerr. You describe the reality of child abuse to a T. The only way someone who has actually been through it themselves or have worked with survivors would know. There are so many people in the world who want and need to read this for validation in a world where people can’t stomach this topic and want people to be “done” already.

    Can’t wait to read more! Again, thank you!

    • Thanks so much, Deena. I really appreciate your feedback.

  • Lindsay Wilsonq

    This is simply a powerful and beautiful read… So well said ~ thank you for sharing the many realizations you have made on your path and practice… These kinds of distillations are good soul food.

    • Thank you, Lindsay. My soul is often fed by ‘paying it forward,’ so really appreciate the feedback.

  • onegr8singer

    Such incredible and important information—Thank-you SO VERY much,Laura for the gift of you and your stunning and powerful words. “Keeping my SOUL” was the distinction that I had to create for myself at the start of my healing journey; Creating a context of “HEALING” for allowing myself to actually “go-there”- and feel ALL of my feelings-AND that I wasn’t going to DIE from feeling them–was the thing that made all of the difference. Actually, your mentioning “keeping our souls”—reminded me that it WAS my very SOUL( and my newly aquired deep and solid connection with spirituality and God) that was directing the entire scenerio. The truth has cost relationships within my family and complete estrangement—-or should I say their FEAR of the truth–And so I spend my life with the desire to create the BALANCE that is needed to heal–that is not to DENY and not to DWELL……So who am I? I am so much more than being a Victim and/or Survivor—AND I HAVE been victimized and I SURVIVED. Thank-you from my heart,Laura..Be Well! Marla A.

    • Marla, Thank you so much for sharing the strength of soul you have gained by choosing to find your own way into a deeply meaningful life. As you point out, the journey’s not easy, and yes, often means leaving people behind. Yet it is vital for being fully human and fully alive.

      Again, thank you for sharing.

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  • me dumpster

    Grea thougths here, helpful.

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